How Does He Know He Has A Fox Face?
by Roxius
Summary: When he realizes Tousen is unable to look at porn, he decided to "help" his good friend learn about what a real woman is like. Total OOCness on Tousen's part. Slight Tousen X Harribel. Crack. Please R & R!


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Slight HarribelTousen is hinted at, if only in my dirty little mind...

Alot of good dialogue and plot ideas are rendered useless when the main guy in it happens to be blind...

* * *

_One day at Las Noches..._

Gin Ichimaru let out a heavy sigh as he and Kaname Tousen departed from the meeting room that evening.

"What seems to be the problem, Gin?" Tousen asked, "Did Aizen-sama say something that worried you...?"

Gin shook his head. "No, it's not that...it's just...during the meeting, I started thinking about you out of random..."

"...About me? You were thinking about me?!" Tousen could feel the heat steadily rising in his cheeks.

"Yes; I was thinking about how terrible it must be for you to be unable to look at porn!!" Gin cried, burying his face in his hands as if he were about to openly weep right on the spot. It was Tousen's turn to sigh now.

"Gin...I do not NEED to look at porn. I have an imagination! I'll jerk off to images in my mind!"

"How can you use your imagination if you've been blind since birth?! You don't even KNOW what a real woman even looks like...!!!"

"I...I...I..." Tousen's mouth fell agape in utter horror; Gin was RIGHT...for once.

"I wanted to tell you that for a real long time, you know..." Gin admitted as he comfortingly patted his fellow traitor on the shoulder.

A single tear trickled down Tousen's cheek. "Oh...oh, Gin...what do I do?!! How can I make things right between me and my dick again?!"

Gin thought for a moment, and then a sneer graced his lips. "I know just the thing! This will aid you in learning about women!!!" he exclaimed, and he whisked Tousen away down the hall as fast as his legs could carry him...

* * *

"You sure about this? I mean, how will I know what a woman looks like by-"

"Yes. I'm sure this is what you gotta do. Just...just put your hands right on them...put your hands on the pillows..."

Gulping, Tousen reached his hands out, and placed them gently upon the snoozing Tres Espada's massive breasts. Gin was fighting hard to keep himself from bursting out laughing.

"N-Now what do I do?" Tousen asked, practically freaked out of his mind.

Gin smirked. "Knead them." he purred lucidly.

"Knead them?" Tousen raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Imagine it like you're making one of those homemade pizzas you seem so fond of...you gotta make them 'fluffy'."

"Ah. I see!"

Tousen's entire body quivered nervously as he slowly, but surely, fondled Harribel's gigantic tits. When the blonde arrancar let out a groan to express her waking up, Gin quickly made his leave for door. He was definitely going to hate himself for this later tonight. Still, this was definitely comedy gold he was about to witness through the crack in the door.

Harribel opened one of her eyes. "Ah...you're Kaname Tousen-san, Aizen-sama's bitch #2." For some reason, she did not seem to surprised by this.

"W-What? Bitch #2? I'm his bitch #1!!" Tousen cried furiously.

"..."

"Well?! You got something to say to me, TIA HARRIBEL?!!"

"..."

"HUH?! YOU TALKIN' SMACK ABOUT ME, GIRL?!!!"

"Maybe you should stop doing whatever the hell it is you think you're doing first before we continue any further with this conversation..." Harribel dully suggested, her words subtly dripping with malice.

Tousen blushed. "Oops! Y-Y-Yes...s-sorry about th-that...so, what do you have to say for yourself, young lady?"

Harribel stared at the blind man idly standing over her for about a minute or so before she began to unsheathe her blade...

* * *

"...Damn, Tousen, there you are! I waited outside for you, but you didn't come out for a damn long time!" Gin lied later that day. Tousen's entire body was covered in bruises, blood and slash marks, all of them courtesy of one very pissed Tia Harribel. Behind that cold, cool exterior of hers was a crazy, psychotic bitch that was permanently high with PMS. What was even worse for poor Tousen was that he still had no idea WHY she really did that, either. For all he had been told by Gin, he was simply fluffing the woman's pillows.

"I don't see what any of that had to do with seeing what a real woman was like..." Tousen muttered, pressing a cold ice pack to his throbbing forehead.

Gin chuckled, and shook his head. "It had more to do with it than you know, Tousen...heh heh heh..."

"God...I hate you and your cryptic shit, you stupid fox-faced asshole...just talk like a regular person for once!!!"

Gin's usually perpetual smile flipped upside-down into a scowl. 'Damn blindie...next time I'm gonna make him play Katawa Shoujo without knowing it...!!'

It did not seem like these two were ever destined to get along.


End file.
